The Damned Truth (about me)

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Welcome to the fourth installment of The Alliance of the Damned, in which a bunch of death-defying bloggers tried to come up with something that I didn’t know about myself. This was a tough one, since I know myself pretty well, but even so, I still managed to surprise myself. Results ranged from uncannily true to eerily bizarre – I even managed to snag my favorite stalker’s phone number!

Check out these great bits of microfiction:

cynk The Empress of Earnestness, Cyn K

Our Axe-Wielding Editor was once a lumberjack.

Shortly after college, Christi disguised herself as a man and signed on for the season with a Pacific Northwest logging company. She imagined publishing an award-winning expose.

Christi held her own, so the mocking of her small size receded. Still, she had to bite her tongue when the sexist remarks flew.

She had planned a big reveal before bidding the job farewell. But instead of tearing open her flannel shirt to reveal her true identity, she slunk off with the satisfaction that her presence had caused a homophobic coworker to question his sexuality.

 

ardenCrazy Cat Lady, Arden

After putting the kids to bed, she sneaks out into the night. Dressed in all black, she blends in with the shadows. Her family knows her as wife and mother, but they remain clueless as to her nightly endeavors.

She cuts down villains who refuse to learn the difference between they’re, their, and there. She slays the demons who think the word is pronounced ‘suposably’ or who believe ‘irregardless’ is actually a word. Wielding her mighty battle axe, she destroys all the things that make us writers cringe in disgust.

Who is Christi? She is a part-time, word-nerd ninja…

 

matticusThe Jester, DJ Matticus

Christi is a world renowned finger puppet artist. From a young age she knew that her true calling in life was to create friends for her fingers. After gathering the courage to share her earliest puppets with her family, after they ceased laughing and realized she was serious, they showed her the proper encouragement to send her down the path of destiny to fame, but not fortune. Sadly, there is no money in being a finger puppet artist, so she has resorted to blogging until the world is ready to compensate her at a level that matches her true worth.

Rarasaur

I sense a ticking, unrelated to the passing of time. Experiences and thought mark your own personal calendar, wherein the Day of Gifted Lizards and the Day of Waterslides mean more than whether or not it was January or springtime.

You are a creature of fate, not bound by it, but by sitting pretty in the middle of its tornado.

It is quiet, but not necessarily calm, and you give the tangles of fate your full attention. You are one of the few who can see them, so you watch carefully, and mark your moments as you happen upon them.

 

cutterMaster of Analogies, Cutter

Christi is immortal. She has lived for hundreds of years, and will live for hundreds more…unless another immortal being chops off her head. If that happens, the beheading immortal will gain all of Christi’s powers in a process known as the Quickening.

She has kept her immortality a secret through the years, adopting false identities every so often. She does not want to be discovered by the other immortals who, upon learning of her existence, would likely pursue her to the ends of the Earth.

Unfortunately for her, the secret is now out…

 

gray-e1396226139745The Grand Inquisitor, Grayson Queen

Born a Caucasian male, though you may have changed; in youth was a bed wetter and demonstrated signs of genius.  Your potential was overwhelmed by your obsession with taxidermy; where you killed the animals yourself.  Due to your troubled family background, you now have fixated on obtaining a nuclear family.  After multiple failed relationships you have begun hand picking your targets and kidnapping them utilizing Craigslist.  The taxidermy skills aid in the evisceration and stuffing of your victims.  You live alone, on the outskirts of a big city so that you can obtain victims easily, but go unnoticed.

 

samaraQueen of Snark, Samara

The minute he got into the elevator and faced the back, I knew.
A lifetime in jail had eroded his humanity. Confinement disfigures you; years later, all you are is hatred for small spaces and gray sweat pants and red jello.

We were a group of stupid kids playing an elaborate prank. Until that girl accidentally died. Nights like these she’s alive, over and over. Confined to a 10 by 10 foot holding cell in my brain. Along with loneliness, boredom, a deck of cards for good behavior.

And losing my virginity to a corrections officer on a cold slab of cement.

 

ekDuppy Conquerer, EndKwote

EditMoi doesn’t know that she has a stalker. Yes, a stalker.

His name is Fran. Fran has no hair on his head, but he has a thick, blonde mustache. It’s really creepy.

Despite his stalker stache, he’s really a nice guy.

Actually, I don’t know that. I’ve never even met or spoke to him. So there’s that…

Fran doesn’t physically stalk EditMoi. No, he cyber-stalks her. He reads all her work, salivating over every new post, mesmerized by every word. To say he’s in love would be an understatement. He’s obsessed.

Fran, who’s a a friend of a friend of mine, told his friend to tell me to tell EditMoi that he just can’t go on without her. He’d like her to call him at her ealiest convenience so they can discuss their inevitable future together.

His number is…

867-5309

 

Thanks, Alliance of the Damned, for having me among your ranks and for teaching me that I am a lumberjacking, bed-wetting, finger puppeteer, ex-con slash word ninja, who’s a victim of fate and a mustached stalker. I hope you guys don’t mind protecting me from myself. It’s going to be a long haul since I’m immortal. Wait, none of you are immortal too, are you?

One more thing — I swear I did not steal my kids off Craigslist. I got them the old-fashioned way.

Anyone else want to take a stab at decoding me in 100 words? Tell me something I don’t already know.

A smooth ride

Photo via storyfever.com
Photo via storyfever.com

She’s my obsession.

She’s a graceful red flash against gray concrete. Her hood is low over her glinting silver eyes, hiding her sleek interior. She’s small, strong, and fierce. She hugs her turn and disappears, reappearing seconds later.

She’s everywhere at once.

It ain’t easy

Taking a shot at a southern accent. I’m no expert, so apologies in advance. This one was at the request of the always wonderful Samara. S, whenever you want to do a road trip to Mississippi, I’m in.

aurora-borealis-over- the-north-pole-alaska

I’m out. Yeah, I hadda get out. I’m out in the murk after dark watchin the aurora borelis while the kids sleep off the day. I made a deal with the house not to burn down while I’m gone.

I hear ya, Jesus. Ya’ll er cringin up there, I get it. But ya’ll don’t know nuthin, fer God’s sake. Ya’ll just wanna pass yer judgment on me.

I’m out here recoverin from the hollerin. I’m thinkin on Rosalie and I’m missin on her. I’m thinkin about how long it’s been since I felt her eyes on me, how long since I lifted up her hair and smelled her neck. I’m rememberin how it used to be, Saturday nights out here in the water, me’n her, out here in the soupy air. Rememberin how we’d toss our clothes up in the trees and dive in the warm river. Rememberin how I’d pull her up on the mucky shore and hold’er down. Rememberin how it felt when she was real. Recallin how I got stuck with four dang kids to begin with.

I’m lookin up in the heavens and recallin how much I loved her, my Rosalie. Saturday nights it’d be just the two of us. We’d fuck and swim, fuck and swim. Yeah, we’d leave the kids even back then. God knows how it is when you got those little ones at home.

It’s loud out’ere ya know? The bugs chirpin and the frogs goin at it, it’s a wonder I can think at all. Still it beats the hollerin. It beats it all, God knows this is the best it gets, out here. These days I take the boat out on the river, cut the engine, and listen. Sometimes ya get the little fishes comin up round the boat lookin for sumthin to bite. Tonight I’m too busy lookin up to pay em any mind.

How often this sky come down South here, I wonder. This an Alaska sky or sumthin, I wanna say. This sky belong up there at the North Pole. It’s too much, all them colors relected in the murk. I wish she was here with me now. That blue is like her eyes, I tell ya. It’s like she’s still here, nakid, lookin on me with her blue eyes. She did better’n me with the kids. They know it too. I’m doin my best, God knows it, but four kids need’n their momma. I’m workin all the God damn time and I’m about to give out, Rosalie. They don’t complain none, but Rosalie May, we need ya. Rosalie May, your man is alone here and your babies are sleepin in a burnin house, Rosalie.

I’m fixin to get back real soon. Soon’es these colors pass and I finish with my Rosalie. Just a little longer now. Kids’ll be up too soon, hollerin with the sunrise like a buncha cocks crowin’.

Hush now. Jesus Christ, ya’ll just wanna pass yer judgment on me.

A blind eye

Copyright DLovering
Copyright DLovering

Juan Carlos tried to lose his dead wife in Barcelona. Days he spent wandering tight cobblestoned streets, staring at the blaming sun. When he stumbled across the wedding party under a canopy of streamers, the bride young and glistening like a confection, the groom stiff with nerves, he fell to his knees on uneven ground.

The priest, partaking of a glass of sangria and wishing his newest conquests well after performing for them, saw Juan Carlos whispering and stooped down.

“Help me, Father, I’ve sinned,” JuanCa begged helplessly.

The priest downed his wine and wiped his face, revealing a smirk.

 

friday-fictioneers

Stuck in his head

He left the music playing in a loop around the clock. Slick, sultry, honey-drenched, the tune mesmerized him every time, submerging him in his story. When the words came to him like this, Frank Portishead lengthened his name to Franklin and donned his fake moustache and silver-rimmed monocle. He found getting into character helped.

Mornings he’d spend clacking away on the keys in time with the music, writing scene after scene. Frank regulated his composure while the clear-eyed detective did the math in a leather-bound wingback, the heavy-eyed girls danced in evening gowns and jewels, the tuxedoed waiters positively dripped with champagne, and the earnest secretaries in underbust corsets solved crimes.

Lunchtime, he’d don his overcoat and step out, securing his creations with a key that he kept chained at his waist. Today Franklin paused on the front walk to admire two young hares, rump to rump like dueling pistols, crouched by the gate. A thousand flowers bloomed in the background. Franklin captured it all through his imaginary view-finder and felt like a man as he strode toward the unsuspecting bunnies, frightening them off with a thump. He continued on through the gate and took a leisurely bite in a café overlooking his favorite bridge, crumbling above a lazy stream.

He was quite a character, Franklin Portishead was.

Franklin would follow up his lunch with a snifter of brandy and a waltz by the stream. The world was big. He’d snap a few mental pictures and return to his abode to dice out the finer points of his morning’s work.

Franklin Portishead was a formidable editor.

By evening, as Franklin swayed to the music and oiled his hair, meticulously knotted his cravat, and slipped on his evening jacket, he felt the beginning of forever opening in his mind. He’d venture out to the evening’s soirée, and wander until a lucky lady took note of his dramatis personae. It never took long and Franklin Portishead never left a soirée alone.

Nights always ended the same way: With the lovely lady du jour lying spread-eagled on his poster bed, tied with his cravat, belt, a leftover stretch of jute, and his key-chain. Franklin would loom over her with a glistening bottle of vodka in his right hand and his jaunty walking stick in his left.

Frank’s abandoned typewriter would gather dust in a corner while Franklin attended to his fait accompli.

Frank always felt guilty in the mornings. He’d take his newspaper and coffee in his leather-bound wingback in the drawing room and let the music settle his soul while he occasionally looked out the window at the bunnies cavorting again at the front gate.

Finally he’d gulp the dregs of his coffee, scuttle to the window, give the glass a rap to scare off the bunnies, return to the scene of the crime, and brush the dust from his typewriter. Writing, his raison d’être, Frank would sigh with resignation as he pasted Franklin’s handlebar moustache to his upper lip and began to type.

Just a girl

girlonthetrain

MYOB on the C train, I see his eyes on me like he’s got me in his crosshairs. Creep’s shirt says VERGENSTEIN like he’s Frankenstein’s cousin. I smile, give him the finger, and hop off before I turn up in a whodunit.

Distilled

whiskey

I got the late shift so I went straight to work after. I came in and straightened up, then sat at the counter drinking water and reading. The truth is, that’s why I do this job. The lights in here at night are just so and hardly anyone comes in so I can read in peace.

I was tired and the smell of whiskey was the only thing keeping me sane, to tell the truth. I love the warm feel of the bottles all lined up behind the bar, glowing. A few chapters in, I got sucked into the story so I didn’t notice my customer til he cleared his throat inches away from me.

“Good evening, sir,” I said, squinting into his face. I must need reading glasses because I couldn’t focus on him at first. From what I could tell, he looked slightly disheveled. I wondered what he’d been doing all night.

I think I saw a faint smile cross his face at the word sir. It was hard to tell.

“Yes,” he said and paused like he was thinking. “Yes, a double single-malt Oban, neat, please,” he finally asked. He was soft spoken and it was hard to hear him. I really wasn’t doing great tonight. I needed sleep.

“Just a sec, sir,” I said with a little laugh and he laughed too, right away. I got him his whiskey and he sat by the window, against the reflection of all the lights. It was Monday night, and Monday nights are always slow, so I snatched a chocolate bar from my purse and returned to my book. I couldn’t concentrate though. Every few sentences, I’d catch a glimpse of him lifting his whiskey and I’d have to look. Then I’d sneak a little bit of chocolate. We don’t officially serve food here.

“Is that dark chocolate?” he asked, emphasis on the word dark.

I smiled guiltily.

“May I try some?”

I walked around the bar with my chocolate bar. “Here you go, sir,” I put the chocolate down on his table.

He smiled. “Thank you,” he said.

I went back behind the bar and leaned back against the wall next to the whiskey shelves. I squinted at my customer, trying to be cool about it. The lights are pretty dim and it really is hard to see. On the table next to his glass, the guy had a small book, maybe a sketchbook. I tried to decipher what he was doing. He seemed to be doing the same to me. I have to admit, after a few minutes I started getting goose bumps and wishing for another customer, so I pretended to clean up the bar. He must have felt the same way because he pushed the chocolate out of his way and opened his little book. I tried not to look at him.

A lady in cowgirl boots and pushed open the door and to be honest I was thrilled to see her. “Hello!” I called cheerfully. “What are you up to tonight?” I asked as she came to the bar and sat down. “What can I get for you?” I just kept talking, barely stopping to let her order. Definitely not like me.

“Knob Creek on the rocks, please,” she said absentmindedly. She put her feet up on the next barstool and began typing furiously on her phone.

“Here you go,” I said extra cheerfully since I was grateful for the distraction. I set the drink in front of her but she wasn’t even there.

“Mmm,” she said. I couldn’t tell whether she was talking to me or her phone. She finished typing, downed her drink, put some money on the bar, and moved toward the door. Sketchbook guy didn’t even look at her.

Alone again, I fussed with the amber bottles for a few minutes, then changed the music, switching out the nice classical for Beck. In a minute the place was throbbing with white-boy hip-hop threatening drive-by body piercings, and sketchbook creep ought to be getting the message, I hoped. I wiped the already-clean bar and pretended not to watch him drawing in his notebook.

Meanwhile, halfway through the song a bunch of guys in suits pushed the door open, started to come in but then froze when they heard Beck blaring. They frowned in unison and backed out the door. Damn, I thought.

I caught sketchbook guy humming along to the music. Fuck, I thought, as he looked up at me again. He must have shifted his chair by then, or my eyes decided to do me a favor, because all of a sudden I could make him out. He was actually pretty cute in an art-nerdy kind of way. Too bad I’d been giving him the stink eye for so long. He probably thought I was crazy. I mean, I probably was certifiable by then.

My heart about jumped out of my chest when I looked up and saw him inches away. He was smiling and holding out a page from his little sketchbook.

“This is for you,” he said kindly. “Thanks for sharing your chocolate.” There was nothing creepy about him whatsoever. I looked down at the paper in my hand. It was a sketch, a really freaking good sketch, of me.

“Wow,” I said, speechless. I felt bad about blaring the music. The sketch was unbelievable. He got my dark hair, its edges curled. He got my eyes perfect, even showing a hint of the fear I was feeling. And my cute Peter Pan collar so crisp against my dark sweater – I felt like I could feel the fabric if I touched the paper. I couldn’t believe he did this in just a few minutes. Sketching somebody without their permission – is that even legal?

Note: The thing I like best about this story is that it started out in a coffee shop, and when I thought of the title, I knew I had to change the setting. This is my first attempt at a big edit of a piece of fiction, and I’m happy with how it turned out.


Clean up in aisle 18

Five past five, Sam literally ran into Whole Paycheck. She hated this store’s guts but time was against her. She dashed to the freezer aisle, gagged at the sacks of gluten-FREE bread with REAL chia seeds, continued along, glancing at her hair in the glass – it looked infinitely fuckable in this light, she thought – and she pulled open the glass door and yanked out the only pizza that looked vaguely edible. Too late, Sam saw the toddler racing towards her. Too late, she tried to close the door, only managing to smash the kid in the face.

Damn. “Sorry!”

Copyright Kent Bonham
Copyright Kent Bonham

 

My 100-word tale that began with a grocery store, hair, and pizza, plus some weird fake-looking lighting. Come on, you can do better.

friday-fictioneers

Attack of retrospect

Lion

Without a word, she dropped to the ground. In Tom’s memory, it always happened the same way. He and Stasia stood panting beneath her at the foot of the tree and suddenly she sprung to life. One moment a wooden gargoyle, the next a living, breathing panther. Tom always blamed the maze for what happened afterward. If only they could have just run straight away, he reasoned for years after the fact, if only they hadn’t got caught up.

I miss her, Tom brooded as he hobbled down the creaky and twisting narrow staircase, recalling how he would chase Stasia down these very steps so long ago. Tom reached for his cane at the bottom of the flight and his imagination twisted the curved metal into Stasia’s open hand.

The knock at the door startled him. He leaned heavily on his cane and made his way to the door. By the time he made it, the knocking had stopped, but nevertheless he stuck his head outside, and tried to deepen his frail voice. “Get lost, you bloody scoundrels,” he boomed. Well, he tried to boom – his voice fell disappointingly flat. He never could scare anyone properly.

Only a small wooden box awaited Tom on the porch. It had seen better days, from what little he could see. Like everything else around here, Tom thought darkly as he stooped to pick it up. Of course his legs chose that moment to give out on him and he dropped like a stone. The wooden floor of the porch was black with grime and his stomach rolled over in disgust. Still, he reasoned, he ought to uncover what brought him here. He pulled the box lid open and sixty years spilled out.

Tom’s stomach lurched again as he picked up the tiny carving with shaky hands. The wood gargoyle, so large in his memory, looked laughably small in miniature. Whoever created it did a superb job, Tom thought, trying to keep the recreation from slipping out of his hands. Her eyes still wild after all these years, her body still taught and threatening, still poised to leap off the tree and chase down helpless children. The miniature fell to the ground, sending up a cloud of soot. Tom looked down and yelped when he saw the likeness of the beast’s face staring out at him.

Tom’s arms completed their metamorphosis and drooped to his sides, useless. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the small charcoal drawing of the panther, her eyes wild and her body angry as it had been all those years ago. Tom could see the pencil streaks where the jute pinned her to the tree. He saw his old fear captured in every pencil line and felt fresh surprise. You’d think after all these years, he pined away between pounding heartbeats. Tom was disappointed in himself.

He lifted one droopy, gooey arm and pushed the drawing away, both to stop seeing it and to see what was underneath. Underneath, the worst yet: a photograph. Tom felt the tears come fast when he saw Stasia’s face there. Everything was the same: her brown ringlets, her wide green eyes, her lips forming an O as she screamed, her fear. Even the tangle of hedgerow leaves. Nothing had changed.

Tom pushed the box and its contents away with his globby hands and wondered who would do this to him. The porch railings around him rose up into hedgerows and the grimy wood became soft grass beneath him, and old Tom was caught in the blasted maze once more. The wooden panther, suddenly huge, sprung to life and sank her fangs into Tom’s soft neck, ripping his flesh away like she always should have.

***

Bobby wandered by the old ramshackle house in the evening after supper, and when he found the old man sacked out in a pile of odds and ends curiosity got the better of him. He stepped around Mr. Tom and picked up the little wooden carving. Neat panther, he thought without knowing any better. He put it in his pocket and smiled at the old lady in the doorway.

“Hi, Bobby. Want to come in for tea?” she asked kindly. Bobby nodded. He always liked tea with Miss Stasia. “Why’s Mr. Tom sleeping on the porch?” Bobby asked as he followed her in.

“Oh, he must’ve got bit by one of his old gargoyles,” she laughed.

Fatherly advice

I caught him sneekin a peek at a skirt in the breeze and snatched him back from the curb.

“Whatya doin? Stargazing?” I busted his head. “Quit it before you get hit by a bus.”

The kid’s just like his dad. Amazing.