Mi mamá es mala

Last week I helped out in Gabe’s kindergarten class during a lesson on writing poetry. His teacher began with an example on the board, entitled Mi mamá. His class is bilingual and his teacher speaks mostly Spanish in class.

The kids volunteered descriptions of their moms – mi mamá es buena, mi mamá es linda. Mi mamá es divertido. You get the idea. At one point his teacher accidentally used English instead of Spanish and she quickly corrected herself. Then the kids took a turn writing their own poems, mostly about their moms. Everybody’s mom was nice, fun, pretty. Spanish speakers wrote in Spanish, English speakers in English, and there was no mixture.

It bugged me. Sure, I like being the nice, pretty, fun mom. But I don’t always pull it off. I often have to yell at the kids to get them to put on their coats in the morning just to get them to school on time. Sometimes I get really angry. Just a couple of weeks ago, Gabe told me that he likes to get to school because his teacher is nicer than me. The screaming stops when he gets to school. Somehow that truth just didn’t fit with the poem he wrote about me.

Later on in the day I came back to school for Anna’s Brownie meeting. While we cut out paper snowflakes, one of the girls announced that she never wants to be a mom. “Moms have to do all the work,” she complained. I nodded but didn’t say anything. I want the girls to speak their minds like that, even when it leaves me feeling sad. It’s true – moms have to do a lot of work. But we also get hugs, kisses on the butt, even poetry. “Trust me, it’s worth it,” part of me wanted to tell her.

I want my kids to know that being a mom is hard. I want them to fear parenthood a little, because it is a huge responsibility. I also want them to know that poetry isn’t only for sunshine and butterflies, but a place where they can get messy and real, where they can play with the good and the bad parts of life. I want them to pull all their feelings out and never worry about being nice or perfect. I want them to mix it up. Honestly, I hope that someday they curse me in Spanglish.

Life and death

When Geoff’s grandma calls me, I never answer the phone.

No, wait, it’s not what you think. I love Geoff’s grandma. For simplicity, let’s call her Grandma. Grandma is everything that my Bubbie wasn’t. She’s loving, kind, friendly, funny. She’s delightful. I’ve felt close to her since Geoff and I started dating. Honestly, she inspires me with the way that she loves her kids, grandkids, even her husband. She’s a great role model, and I’ve told her so.

But something about her scares me.

Grandma is pushing ninety. She’s been in good but not perfect health for the last ten years or so. About seven years ago, Grandma and Grandpop were in a car accident that left them each with various ailments. Still, they hang in there, and they are always, without fail, happy to hear from us and ready to welcome us for a visit. They both adore the kids. Grandma still gets down on the floor to play with them.

A couple of years ago I started shutting her out.

We were at her house for a visit, and Grandma started to feel dizzy. She went up to her bedroom to lie down and a little while later she called me upstairs. Me, not Geoff, not Grandpa, not even her own grown daughter. I found her lying on the bed next to her blood pressure machine. Her blood pressure was too high, she told me. She didn’t want to go to the hospital, and she asked me to stay with her. I sat on the edge of her bed, held her hand, and put my other hand on her shoulder. We took deep breaths together.

I was scared.

I told her that she would be alright, and after about half an hour her blood pressure returned to normal. The next day she paid a visit to the doctor. She made a quick recovery and the rest of our visit was just fine. You’d never have known anything had happened.

But I did.

When I was sitting with Grandma up in her room, I had the strangest feeling. With my hands on her and us breathing together, I felt like I was giving her some kind of a transfusion. A life transfusion. I could feel the energy passing between us, even though I didn’t understand it. In the moment, I could only think in dichotomies. If I was giving her life, then she must be giving me death in return. I didn’t want death. I still don’t.

From then on, things were different between us.

When she calls, I don’t answer. I tell Geoff to call her back. I still love her, and we visit. The kids send her artwork. Still, I’ve been stingy with her. I haven’t let her hear my voice, I haven’t given her any more life. I’ve closed myself, as if life were a special gift of mine and death a curse of hers, rather than both being realities that we share.

I’ve been wrong.

I hope that I can find the courage to be open with her again. I hope that I can do the small things that she requests as she gets closer to the end of her life. I hope that she will trust me to help her.

Melt

As they moved farther away from the group, Zanna could feel the unfamiliar weight of the wings melt between her shoulder blades. They were not real; she would never fly. These were only a disguise, yet where they rested she could feel a new energy forming.

Alise pulled her by the hand, urging her toward the looming trees. “Come,” the girl told her, silver eyes flashing with impatience. “He may be waiting already.”

Zanna could feel the tension in the girl’s grip. She did her best to keep up, and surprisingly, her ankle began to feel better as she moved. The cold night air chilled her as they moved away from the fires, and she wished for warmer clothing. Her wings did cut the wind a bit, but she needed a heavier garment. A cloak.

The moon led them to the edge of the forest. In a pool of light, Zanna sank down to the ground and opened to the beginning of the book she had been carrying. She began to read as Alise paced the tree line. Zanna found the words written on the pages cryptic yet somehow familiar. As best she could tell in the dim light, the pages contained a description of an unusual girl. A girl half-loved, worshipped and rejected. A girl with talents and gifts. A girl who set out on her own in the world. It was the kind of beginning that begged for action. What would the girl do? Zanna caught herself wondering and she did what she always did, she flipped to the back of the book. Yet she found the pages at the back of the book empty. Turning toward the middle, she sighed to find the pages bare. Only the beginning of the story had been written. How unfortunate, she thought.

Just then, Alise let out a yelp in the distance. Then she felt his hand on her back just where her wings rested.

“You’ve found my book,” Mikelo said into her ear.

 

This week’s Trifecta submission, including the third definition of the word melt: to make tender or gentle, soften. If you like it, read the rest here.

I wish I had been an orphan

The past few months I’ve been reading the kids Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events. We just began book five, The Austere Academy. The kids are obsessed with it, and Geoff and I like it a lot, too. It’s dark and funny, with lots of big words. In other words, it’s awesome.

The stories are about three orphans, siblings whose parents died in a fire, who go on to have adventure after adventure. In each book the kids narrowly avoid a different disaster, and they regularly find themselves in situations that they never would have if their parents had survived.

When I was a kid I used to wish that my mom would die just so that I could have the kind of adventures that the Baudelaire orphans do. No, I didn’t actually want my mom to be dead, I just wanted my life to be more fun. If she died, I thought that I could go and live with my godmother, who seemed infinitely more interesting than my mom. I also wanted to live in an RV and travel around the country, something that was out of the question for my mom. Needless to say, my mom lived into my adulthood and I was at least seventeen before I ever had a real adventure.

My mom nearly gave me up for adoption – did I ever mention that? It’s a long story of its own, but when it came down to it, she changed her mind. She was single, poor, divorced, and unwed. She had little going for her in general, so when she found herself pregnant with me at 38, she first thought that adoption would be the best option. Then I was born two months early and my mom nearly died from complications. When things settled down, she decided that the universe had a message for her. She decided to take another stab at motherhood.

I’m glad that my mom did not give me up for adoption. I mean, I hope that goes without saying. I’m lucky in so many ways to have been raised by my mom. She gave me all that she had to give, and now I often wonder how she did it. Yet looking back, my life feels like a series of narrowly missed adventures. My childhood was safe and quiet, I went to college just 20 minutes from home, I got married at 23.

I’ve never been thrown to the wolves. I’ve never risked it all on my own in the world. I’ve never entrusted myself to the universe just for fun. Damn it, I want to.

 

I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop

Alliance

Alise ran quickly towards the nearest cook fire and helped herself to several skewers of meat. Zanna needed to eat, she could feel it. The woman’s hunger made her stomach ache. Then she turned back towards the queue, and plowed ahead into the mass of creatures, carrying the dripping skewers and hurrying toward the place where Zanna had fallen.

She found Zanna sitting on the ground, wrapped in feathers and already eating a skewer of meat. A kindly old beast stood by her, keeping watch over her. A grayish owl looked on from the beast’s back. Zanna was attracting attention already, Alise realized. Everyone has eyes around here, she thought. It’s a good thing they don’t know what they’re seeing.

“Here you go,” Alise announced to Zanna, an edge to her voice. She thrust the skewers of meat at Zanna.

Zanna looked up, and immediately smiled. She looked deeply into Alise’s eyes, which now shown in the dark. “Oh, hello,” she said, smiling. “Thank you. How did you know how hungry I am?” she laughed, taking the skewers. “Eat with me?” she asked.

“No,” Alise answered, but she crouched down next to Zanna. A few other creatures circled around them with their dinners, creating an impromptu picnic. Alise looked around, uncomfortable. Feeling out of control made her suspicious. And she was as hungry as Zanna, but she wouldn’t eat yet.

“Mikelo is searching for you,” she told Zanna. Zanna looked at her and raised her eyebrows in surprise. Her expression changed from hopeful to confused. Alise moved behind Zanna, reaching for her long dark hair. She began to braid it. “Why does he want you?” she asked Zanna, tugging on her hair.

“I don’t know,” a bit of fear crept into Zanna’s voice.

“You want to find him too, don’t you?” Alise continued the braid.

“Yes,” Zanna answered, nearly whispering. She had abandoned her meal.

Alise finished the braid and reached for a leather cord in her pocket. She wrapped the cord tightly around the older woman’s hair and knotted it. “I’m Alise. Mikelo sent me to get you. If you’re finished eating, then come,” Alise pulled the braid. “Let’s go to him.”

Zanna stood shakily on her injured ankle, bending to lift the heavy book. It would be difficult to carry. “May I take it?” she asked the llama, who nodded. She smiled a goodbye to him.

“Here,” Alise lifted the feathers and set them on Zanna’s shoulders. She doubted they would work but they would help the strange woman draw less attention. “This way,” she took Zanna’s hand, leading her back toward the trees, both walking now.

Nightfall

The full moon was rising, golden in the graying sky, casting its eerie light over the crowd. The chosen had been whisked away to their tent beyond the hill where the priestesses still asked their questions. Those who had not been chosen were eating their suppers around the cook fires that lit the gloom.

Alise could always see better in the dusk. She steered clear of the lines, in favor of wandering between them. To her left, up on the hill, she could make out the billowing white wool of the women’s gowns. In the cool moonlight, textures became more pronounced, and her eyes could feel as well as see.

She came to a parting in the crowd, suddenly finding herself out in the open. Her heart jumped as she saw Mikelo ahead of her. She stood still and fixed him in her glowing gaze. He noticed. Others usually did. He strode to her, a faint smile on his face – more of a smirk, Alise thought.

“You have beautiful eyes,” Mikelo spoke. She didn’t answer.

“Tell me, what are you called?”

“Alise.”

He looked intently into her eyes. “And Alise, why do you follow me?” He seemed to already know the answer.

Mikelo’s face was dark and angular, and angry. He liked to have his way. Alise knew how the other woman eluded him. She could see the lines of frustration on his face.

“You’re not here for them,” Mikelo nodded toward the priestesses. “I can see that. You are following me,” he took a step closer, towering over her. “If you’re going to lurk after me, you should know that I’m looking for a woman.”

“I know,” she said.

“Then help me find her,” Mikelo demanded. The shadows of his face should have scared her; they did scare her, but she felt something new twisting inside her at the sound of his voice, at the way he spoke to her. He left her no choice.

He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around so that she was facing away from him. Alise saw that they had attracted quite an audience as the creatures turned in their lines to face the commotion. They looked vaguely concerned. “Go. Bring her to me,” Mikelo spoke into her ear. “We’ll meet at the treeline,” he commanded.

His voice sent a rush of electricity through her body and she tensed. “Yes,” she answered, and took off running.

Read the rest here.

Good morning

Nate woke me. “Guh mornin, Momma.” He stood by the bedside, smiling, reaching for me.

“Good morning, sweetie,” I answered. I closed my eyes again for just a minute, bracing myself. Then I climbed out of bed and slid my feet into my slippers. The window framed one of those heavy gray skies that show up in December and stick around until March, sometimes April.

I bounced down the stairs so the kids would know I’m happy to see them. Anna sat at the table gently tilting her new labyrinth game. “Mommy, I made it to 35!” she called.

“Cool!” I answered, hugging her.

I headed for the kitchen, searching for breakfast, coffee, more children. Both boys were heading down the back staircase, and Gabe grabbed Nate at the bottom for a hug and a kiss. That doesn’t happen every day. Next, Gabe came over and hugged me.

“Good morning, sweet boy,” I said and rubbed his super short hair. Nate wrapped his arms around me from the back.

From over by the coffee pot, Geoff turned and laughed. “Nate, did you just kiss Mommy’s tush?”

“Yeah,” he answered.

That’s when I knew it would be a good day.

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This week’s Trifecta Challenge includes the word tush. With three little kids, that’s everyday jargon at our house.

Spoilers suck

elysium-movie

I watched a movie with my in-laws this weekend. The movie was Elysium, with Matt Damon. Sci-fi with a tense, emotional plot. Good, but a bit predictable. Overall, you’d like it.

Now, watching with my in-laws is a different story. Geoff’s mom gets pretty emotional during movies. Within the first few minutes, she started up a chorus of “Mmm”s and “Oh”s. By the midway point, she was hiding under a blanket because of the violence. Near the end there was a minor twist that seemed obvious to me, but she clearly didn’t see it coming. “Oh my god!” she screamed when one character was stabbed, as if she had been hurt herself.

It was slightly amusing but distracting to watch with her. I kept thinking back to when I was a kid and my mom used to promise me that nothing on TV was real. “It’s all just pretend,” I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t. I actually felt way more sucked into the movie because of her reaction to it.

Then we had Geoff’s dad, the analyst, who about halfway through the movie announced the sequence of events leading up to the end. No, he’d never seen it before. But he totally called it. He was unaffected by the violence, not emotionally engaged with the plot at all. Cool and clear-headed—you should have seen him.

My in-laws have been married for a long time, 37 years this month. They are a great couple. Before this weekend though, I’ve often thought that they couldn’t be more different. They have different interests, different hobbies, different friends. They have completely different attitudes about most things. Watching the movie with them, it all clicked. They balance each other. One is emotional, the other intellectual. One is rational, the other irrational. Together, they complement each other. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle, and they experience life as a team.

Are all marriages like that? Does each person play a role, filling in for the other’s weaknesses, benefitting from their partner’s strengths? Is that how mine works? Maybe, but it’s more subtle than my in-laws’ relationship. I’d like to think that Geoff and I are a team, but we are also pretty good on our own.

I’m going to give this some more thought. And if you ever watch a movie with me, do not tell me how it ends. I hate that.

I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop

How about ice cream?

Let’s rendezvous
In a busy cafeteria
Call it business
You bring your delicacies, lay the table, pick my place
Bring them too, your cohorts and underlings
Introduce us
And I’ll bring a surprise

Thirty-three words, including bring in triplicate, for this weekend’s Trifextra.