Over the ridge, the yellow went red so fast Bud had to jam the brakes full force to stop the rig from smashing the sweet tail of a ruby â€˜Vette. He squinted through his cracked, muddy windshield at its Yoda bumper sticker and personalized plates, and wondered how big a CORUSCANT was.
52 words, including force and coruscant, for the Shapeshifters.Â
Dad and Mom stood over my hospital bed, hugging each other, their eyes wet with tears. The day weâ€™d dreamed of had finally arrived. They kept the details vague: A dental student had been hit by a train out in the suburbs, but his heart was feasible. The EMTs already had it on a Medevac. Mom and Dad talked like we had just won a sweepstakes.
The nurses whisked me off to pre-op faster than a bullet train.
The doctors said I was officially dead for four minutes. Four minutes. Minute one, the head surgeon severed my sick, sluggish heart, with a silver scalpel, carefully so as to leave the aorta intact, the vena cava repairable.
Hell was a high-speed Amtrack. I was standing in the vestibule waiting for my stop, and a conductor snuck up behind me.
â€œTicket, Miss,â€ he said without inflection. He was tall, black, and very handsome except for his flat New York accent.
I held out my one-way and he lifted it up to the light and paused with his hole-punch in midair. â€œYouâ€™re on the wrong train.â€ He had perfect teeth, so good they looked fake.
â€œNo, Iâ€™m not.â€
Minute two, the kind-eyed nurse lifted my old heart carefully from my gaping chest cavity into a sparkling stainless steel bowl held by the gangly assistant whose Afro strained his sky blue cap. He whisked it away and squirreled it in a jar of formaldehyde. My trophy.
â€œYou wanted Union, howâ€™d you get way out here in Aurora, girl?â€ The conductor butchered Aurora. â€œYou donâ€™t wanta be here. Next train ainâ€™t for three hours.â€
â€œIâ€™m not. I need to get to class,â€ I said.
â€œYouâ€™re going ta be lateÂ ‘less your classroom’s in a cornfield.â€ He laughed a long time like heâ€™d said something funny, but I didnâ€™t get it.
I stared at the passing farms, then I turned back and tried to snatch my ticket out of his hand.
He held it up too high for me to reach. â€œNah, this old thing wonâ€™t get you nowhere you need to be,â€ he said, shaking his head from side to side and reaching into his navy blue jacket pocket with his hole-punch hand. â€œLemme getchya a new one.â€
Minute three, nursing assistant number two, an older woman with serious blue eyes, held my pristine and glistening dental studentâ€™s heart at the ready and passed it delicately to the surgeon, who took a long look at the organ, holy grail of the surgery chamber, and deciphered its tubes and cavities.
â€œYou tryinâ€™ a get downtown, right. Ya need the Loop.â€ The conductor didnâ€™t ask. This wasnâ€™t a conversation. He was in charge, the fucker. The train was barreling down the tracks, probably over a hundred miles an hour now, too fast. Faster than trains could ever possibly go. The fields were reduced to black and white lines.
â€œI can help ya out, girl,â€ he said and pulled his hand out of his jacket. Instead of a hole punch, he held a silver pistol.
And minute four, my time with the devil winding down, the head surgeon laid my new heart inside my chest and six pairs of hands went to work at once, aligning, whip stitching, stapling, glomming on the hunk of muscle that would pull me back from the dark side.
â€œThisâ€™ll getchya right.â€ The conductor pointed the gun at my head.
I added this character twist to my new MC, inspired by a piece by author Patrick W. Gibson. Thanks for the inspiration, Patrick!
Chad came into my office wearing his full-length down coat that made him look like a walking sleeping bag. He pulled off his fur-trimmed hood to reveal movie-star hair.
â€œShift change,â€ he boomed, laying his snow-caked shovel on my desk.
â€œWatch it, man!â€ I yelled as I removed the shovel from the Johnsons’ paperwork. â€œDo you know how fucking long it took me to work up that sale?â€ I asked, but I must have sounded rhetorical â€˜cause Chad just sloshed past.
â€œLet me play you a sonata, Jimmy,â€ he said. â€œGet your boots on. I did the Prius row. You take the Camrys. You pass the torch to old man Zeke at 7. That gives you two hours. Spend it with your head up your ass for all I care, just donâ€™t mess with my tits.â€
â€œTits,â€ he signaled crudely with his hands to indicate a large pair of jugs. â€œYouâ€™ll see,â€ he winked.
I hated Chad.
â€œAnyhoo, leave the tits for the transport dudes. Give those poor slugs a laugh.â€
He disappeared into his office across the hall. Ours were absolutely identical, same breast-cancer awareness sticker on the soulless windows, same Formica desk, same dot matrix printer, even the same photograph of an old-time steam train on the wall. Somebody had a sense of humor around here, but I was still too new to know who.
I pulled my boots out from under the desk and slipped off my Italian leather loafers. Most ridiculous footwear on the planet, those loafers. Cost me more than a whole paycheck, and worst part was they werenâ€™t my only pair. Selling cars is half looks and half lies and the two are interchangeable. I pulled my coat out from behind the door, put it on, and grabbed the dripping shovel. It left a trail as I headed outside.
â€œEnjoy yourself, Jimmy boy,â€ Chad called from his office. He raised his Styrofoam cup as I passed. What a jackass.
Outside, Chad had shoveled a straight path to the Prius row, no mistake I’m sure. Heâ€™d left a perfect set of double-Ds on the first hood in the row, and one on the next, and the next, all the way down to the end. Nice.
I hadnâ€™t always wanted to sell Japanese cars at a dealership in the burbs, no way. Iâ€™d majored in finance thinking Iâ€™d get a job at a bank downtown, but my parentsâ€™ house had the gravity of a neodymium magnet. I couldnâ€™t escape the place. Downtown may as well have been Johannesburg. At least I was saving, and whenever I did manage to get out, Iâ€™d have a killer shoe collection. Mom and Dad wouldnâ€™t live forever, would they?
I shoveled between two Camrys and went to work cleaning the first hood, careful not to scratch the Blue Streak Metallic paint. Bastards would dock my pay for that. I worked my way around with the brush, then came back to scrape the hood. I moved on down the line to a Ruby Flare Pearl and a Midnight Black. I would have gone for the Blue Streak, but I donâ€™t drive Japanese. The old folks were crazy for the Parisian Night Pearl, and I worked my way through five of those. My fingers were popsicles by then, and I wanted to get back inside so I gave up on the scraping.
I cleared the hood of a Cosmic Gray Mica and I was working on the driverâ€™s side window when I saw something in the driverâ€™s seat. Something that looked suspiciously like someone. I finished cleaning the window and stuck my face up to the glass to get a better look. What I saw threw me back a few feet and I hopped around from foot to foot, hollering.
I breathed deep and tried the door. Course it popped open, no trouble. Old man Zeke was slumped against the black leather-trimmed seat, clearly departed. Worst part was his pants down around his knees. Whole thing undid me, and I turned away to puke in the snow.
I cleaned myself up and turned back to the Camry. Old Zeke had a lipstick print on his neck that filled in a lot of the blanks.
â€œYou kidding me, Zeke? A Camry? You should have gone for the Blue Streak, old man.â€
If you know me, then you know just how much I love car dealers.
My daughter idolizes you, Donald Trump. You’re the star of her comics, and she does a killer impression of you. Youâ€™ve infiltrated her ten-year-old psyche. Youâ€™re rich, and she has a thing for money. Youâ€™re powerful, and she craves power. Plus, youâ€™re funny, and she has a great sense of humor.
Not to disappoint you, Mr. Trump, but Hillary has my vote. Still, I pay attention to my kids, so my daughterâ€™s infatuation with you has given me pause. Iâ€™ll admit it, Iâ€™ve given your candidacy some consideration.
Every time my daughter tells her brothers to DEAL with it, I think of you.
Youâ€™re scrappy, Mr. Trump. You started out small, with only a $1M investment from your father. Everyone deserves an investment, if not in money then in time and attention. I hope my kids make the most of my investment in them, same as you. Youâ€™ve worked your way up, worked tirelessly to put your mark on the world.
My daughter knows exactly where to find your tower on the Chicago skyline.
I hear youâ€™ve got a concealed carry permit, Mr. Trump, and I like knowing that you want to defend yourself. Like I teach my kids, youâ€™ve got all the tools you need within yourself.
Good, honest people should feel safe inside and out.
I like how much you want to protect us Americans, Mr. Trump. When you say you want to build a great wall on the Mexican border, I know how much you want to keep us safe. Trust me, I wish I could put a layer of cement between my kids and the rest of the world. Sometimes I even want to protect them from one another.
But one thing Iâ€™ve learned is that once you start putting up walls, parts of you die.
I know you care about the world, Mr. Trump. Iâ€™ve been to Vegas, Iâ€™ve seen what wonders youâ€™re capable of producing with a bit of money and raw materials. And I know youâ€™ve got to tear down the old before you can build the new. So when you suggest bombing the hell out of ISIS, part of me gets where you’re coming from, Mr. Trump.
Like I tell my kids, when youâ€™re mad it feels really good to punch someone, anyone. But itâ€™s funny, when you hurt someone else, youâ€™re always hurting yourself, too.
When you suggest deporting Muslims from the U.S., Mr. Trump, I think you’re just scared. Everyone has their fears, but be careful, Mr. Trump. Fear can make you reductive, and even worse, reactive. I’m not proud to admit the relief I felt when a bully was removed from my daughterâ€™s class a few years ago, never mind that the bully was just one child in a class of twenty, acting out, making a desperate plea for help. Never mind that all children act out at some time or another.
Itâ€™s simpler to shut down in the face of adversity than to face our fears head-on.
I like how you want to invest in mental healthcare for veterans, to treat the invisible wounds of war. Itâ€™s introspective of you, Mr. Trump. Everyone has those subconscious wounds, you know. I know I do. I often wonder what scars my kids will bear by the time they escape their childhoods, what damage Iâ€™m inflicting on them, or they are, to each other.
Mr. Trump, I see how you want to send all kinds of trouble packing, to lock it up somewhere so we Americans can find the solitude to consider the best course of action to ensure a safe future for ourselves. Trouble is, Mr. Trump, solitude is a luxury that even most Americans can’t afford, and silence is virtually unattainable these days. Trust me, I know what Iâ€™m talking about with three kids at home.
If you can manage to calm your thoughts though, youâ€™ll find the quietest place on Earth right inside your own head. It doesn’t matter what’s raging outside.
I believe you really want to be a nice guy, Mr. Trump, and I have an idea for you, a gentle suggestion. Take your own advice: Deal with it. In fact, let’s all try it, regardless of race, orientation, or belief. Deal, as in cope, rather than confront or bargain. Be still. Look inward, be honest. Acknowledge your emotions. Itâ€™s difficult to weather the storm, I know.
Youâ€™ll probably find that you remember things that you havenâ€™t thought of in years. Youâ€™ll recall what your life was like before you became a success. Youâ€™ll remember hurts, fears, and doubts that youâ€™ll probably wish had remained buried. But it’s never all bad: You’ll also recall loves, and joys, all the small things that have lit you up inside over the years. And thatâ€™s when youâ€™ll know what youâ€™re made of.
Itâ€™s hard to admit that we really are all made of the same stuff.
Like I tell my kids, eventually the storm will pass. Your emotions will settle down, and youâ€™ll be able to build something new from all the rubble.